When the little things mattered I loved you more. Maybe we could get back to that...

I read that in the United States, you can have a pizza delivered to your door faster than the average amount of time it will take for the police or ambulance to arrive in an emergency... That is fucked up!

So is this news segment about wives who 'harm' (cut) themselves. I will never understand the people who cut themselves even if I understand why they do it.

He is a quiet person. I think about him. I wonder why he keeps his voice so small. I wonder why he never talks about anything in his life before the day we met. I wonder about him because I'd love to be like him. Not speak. Keep secrets. Be mysterious. I don't know his favorite anything. He seems like he has no favorite anything. No preference for any food, color, music, activity or even clothes. He just wakes up (I imagine), pulls on clothes, walks out of his bedroom, leaves his apartment and lives whatever kind of life he needs to pull on for any given day.

We met an hour ago for coffee. I looked around the table wondering if anyone else noticed this about James. I asked James what he wanted to do over Labor Day since we all have nothing to do that weekend. He was really quiet. It seemed like everyone around the table was just waiting to see if James would say something. He just mumbled like he always does. Then Terry asked him if he wanted to maybe go to D.C. James looked up and said no, it might be too hot.

Everyone was stunned- I could tell. I wonder what made James say something. I now have a goal of becoming somehow more of a friend to James so that I can get in there and find out if he likes anything or wants anything. If he thinks about anything but that he doesn't want to go to D.C.

Yeah. James Goals...

I always wanted to have a name like Alexandra or Isabella or maybe Danielle. Just thinking about it. My sister is Persephone. My mother and father were nerds. They read too many books...

this blog...

Because I can say now to go out for the day and play act that we are happy married people...

Tears for Fears

"Pale Shelter"

How can I be sure ?
When your intrusion is my illusion
How can I be sure
When all the time you changed my mind
I asked for more and more
How can I be sure
When you don't give me love
You gave me Pale shelter
You don't give me love
You give me cold hands
And I can't operate on this failure
When all I want to be is
Completely in command
How can I be sure
For all you say you keep me waiting
How can I be sure
When all you do is see me through
I asked for more and more
How can I be sure
I've been here before
There is no why, no need to try
I thought you had it all
I'm calling you, I'm calling you
I ask for more and more
How can I be sure

I wish I could be sophisticated
I wish I always knew the words to say
I wish I had a good comeback
I wish I had an air of grace
I wish I knew the secrets other people know about poise
I wish I carried myself better in stressful situations
I wish I could keep my thoughts to myself
I wish I were more kind
I wish that someone taught me more self control
I wish so many things

Silas... Sweet Dreams...

Sometimes it is pure heaven to be signed onto and connected to the internet...

I am becoming numb in relationships. I thought maybe... I asked for/wanted/expected to much. Now I think I am a person who is so within herself that there isn't any other person to fill the spaces inside me- the spaces don't need people but just me. Me walking through the world thinking. I like talking with someone else better than any romance. Just having someone to sit and just BE with. Just BE. If that makes any sense.

 

I wrote the above reply today.

I am finding that life isn't a mystery. Things go well for awhile then they fuck up. Or they become fucked up. Or maybe they were fucked up right from the start. I am using the word fuck liberally as this is one of those days it suits my mood. I am thinking that the relationship I've been in for six years has reached its highest level of satisfaction and is now moving down the other side of the apex. The thing is- I am married. I am not sure what to do, how to do it or what is right and what is wrong. I am not sure how things got to this point and yet I know how they got to this point. There are so many really good things. So many good times. When we are out together everyone sees this happy pair of fools... When we are alone there is so much silence. Arguments. And the kicker is that lately when I've really let out my feelings he tells me that he thinks we have a good marriage. Now how is that? How can one partner in a relationship feel the marriage is good when the other partner is so, so unhappy as far as his place as a man is concerned? I wouldn't even know where to start or begin with explanation. I am just not sure what any of this means. Divorce flies through my head but I wouldn't know how to do that. Staying is the most likely outcome- joining legions of unhappily married people who become playactors in their own lives. Who lead double lives within their minds. I love the internet right now. I can at least write this out. Someone will read and know. I just feel so yucky inside right now.

 

I also noticed that the replies to someone's blog are more interesting than what is blogged in the first place many times. It is kind of cool. I've read a bunch of replies without reading the actual blog. Cool...

The first think I saw coming into mindsay was a sort of controversy over the top blog.  It took me awhile to get what it was all about- I had to read a lot kind of like doing a term paper- hunting and gathering what was going on- that in mind I'd like to say that I enjoy the top blog button option thing.

 

I've read some very interesting things since signing up to mindsay. People think in different ways and have different views. I can see how a top blog nomination could in fact make you feel a bit cross or pissed off or angry or irritated but if you read what is written keeping in mind a person feels any given way everything is bearable and acceptable. People nominating themselves to draw you to what they want you to see and read even if it is one word is even fun.  I would like to have the time at some point to nominate myself and lead you to a really cool post against your will.  Because people seem to have to look- they have no control over it.  If I can find time before the system jerks and changes....

 

This morning I've read about hookers and stem cells. Now where else on the internet could I get a dose of this combination but in top blogs?

 

Oh- and I read the word 'segway' in a blog title. That really bordered on fantastic...

 

This place is cool.

Don't make the mistake of waiting for the sake of waiting though. Then you just end up listening to Muzak...

 

A quote which I love from my new friend Ravager ...

Three problems.

 

1 I have to post and then edit because the tool bar won't initially appear when I type here to post. Anyone know how I can get the tool bar up there from the time I push the 'blog' button?

 

2 I feel very down today. I miss parts of my old life. Before the changes came. Who would have thought things could go so badly so quickly so fast. I guess they really didn't. It was there all along. Something just had to push it all over the edge.

 

3 Is something else out there. Waiting. I am waiting too.

 

Now I will post this. Then return to edit the colors and letters. Because my tool bar won't appear until I post then edit the post.

Grease monkeys toss wrenches

At the pegboard on the shop wall

People are passing 'Go'

Picking up Marvin Gardens

So why can't we sit this one out

I don't want to argue Fuss

or spite

 

 

It is so strange to me that on our lowest days we can put on a shiny face and head out into the street.  It is as if we are arming ourselves bravely with our pain.  Inside we scream and toss a fit for love lost, for illusions of what we thought we had.  Then we decide after the inner tantrum is worn out that we will probably stay.  To leave would be like leaving ourselves.  To stay we have to swallow ourselves whole, but the temporary discomfort is better than a lifetime of wondering what the part we left is doing.  Is going.  And with who.  Have you ever wanted someone only so that you'd never have to think of that person with someone else?  Not so much so no one else would have them but so that you could.  Could have them.  I am listening to XM 80's on AOL radio.  Old school disco.  'You Dropped a Bomb on Me'...  How appropriate.  Except there are no bombs.  I could almost laugh...

 

 

Uma -- [noun]: A master of sexual gratification 'How will you be defined in the sexual dictionary?' at QuizUniverse.com

 

Crumpled paper

Wrinkled lines

Wondering where

We will find one another

In time

Crunching my potato chips

Sipping white wine

Lending myself comfort

Rather than using your dime...

 

relationships are ever changing. people do not speak of the real deal when it comes to the hard times. we distract ourselves with anything we can when things get sickening. sometimes some people even shove their head under a rock.

Hello in here... <<echoes>>  Helloooo...  'looooo...  ooooo...

 

Just taking a brief look around I find I am glad to have been

told through the grapevine about this blogging site. 

Live Journal really bites...